MY JOURNEY

Have you ever felt the pain that some songs can make you feel?" Have you ever felt as if they were pulling you apart, tearing you from the inside out? For a moment you are nothing, until the pieces come back, are pasted together from the outside in, and you find yourself different? If you have - keep reading.

I was talking to a friend just last night and heard him admit that he was in a loveless relationship. Said that he was with a girl for her body, because she was gorgeous and physically embodied everything he thought he wanted. But he couldn't stand her personality. She was too wild and crazy, too demanding. All thought circled purely around her own orbit. She had the mind, intelligence, and opportunity required to do something with her life. But didn't have the inclination to use them. Why put in effort, when due to beauty the world was handed to her on a silver platter?

So why was he with her? Because he felt small inside. Because part of him hated, had always hated who he was. Blame it on the family or home life. Blame it on the fact that his parents are addicts. Blame it on low self-esteem and the decision he made years ago to leave home at 19. Blame it on whatever you like, but part of him enjoyed how being around this woman made him feel large. Part of him was scared that if he dumped her he would never nab such a beautiful woman again. To dump her meant dumping the feeling of being large, and he wasn't willing to give this up. Not yet.

I love this kid but I didn't know what to say. Attraction should go worlds beyond skin deep. I wanted to tell him that he was large, that he was talented and attractive. I wanted to tell him that he needed to be with a woman that mirrored this, who told him this. But I knew that he wouldn't believe me. I knew that no one can teach you how to love yourself; it's a solo journey. Self-love is a gradual process we each tell ourselves we're going to make but put off for later. Until it creeps up on you, and gradually you realize that you no longer question your place in the world, the way people treat you, the looks you might get on the street. You're no longer tripping over your own words, analyzing just how well they're being perceived. You no longer stop yourself from showing compassion, kindness, fear, vulnerability, joy, hilarity. You let what's serious and what's goofy out. You stop wondering if there's something inside you need to hide. You just relax.

I wanted to tell him about my own journey. How it's been an uphill battle and I've just reached the top, am just getting a view from the crest of the mountain. It was a long way up, it's a long way down, and there are still miles left to go. Once you've looked inside and realized how beautiful you can be it takes an effort to maintain that sight. You have to remind yourself not to forget. You need some constant piece of it to hold onto. Sometimes I look in the mirror and the man I see is a surprise. He looks more refreshed than I remember, or more tired. He looks like he might cry, so instead I make him laugh. He looks vulnerable so I pull out a smile. He reminds me that I'm more than a pair of eyes five feet seven inches above the ground staring out at the world. He reminds me of what the world sees when it sees me, and how shallow that sight can be. Skin is just an exterior, a glaze over what's inside. The body can stretch only so far, but your mind and your thoughts stretch a universe farther. Like a movement of air, or gust of wind your mind can go on journeys the body could never reach.

As for the "it" moment, the moment where you know its right, that the person across from you is somehow right; and I'm not talking about love at first sight. Sight and physical proportions have little to do with it. Such moments can occur between you and someone you wouldn't have looked at twice, or have come to think of as just a friend. They are akin to a tingling at the base of your spine or sensation of deja vue. When you hear or experience something that you feel you have heard or experienced before. I repeat again that this is not the same as physical attraction, or even being attracted to someone's personality, it goes far deeper. It's as if you're staring into a two-way mirror and for the briefest of moments catch a glimpse yourself behind the other's eyes. It may happen so fast you're not even sure what you saw, and for fear of jumping off the deep end brush the feeling aside. But subconsciously your body reacts.

I have experienced such a sensation only twice. And I can tell you that it isn't the equivalent of being weak in the knees, it literally knocks you flat. You can't stand, you can't talk. You have just met a piece of yourself in another's flesh. You recognize some hidden part of you that they contain. So there isn't fear, but instead a release, a sighing, relaxing. A surge of energy leaves the window to your soul completely open because there is no need to protect you from yourself. This person could never hurt you, and you could never hurt them, because both actions would be self-inflicting wounds. That is the "it" moment. It does exist. But it's rare. Like the lottery. Perhaps one in a million will get hit. Most will probably never experience it, or refuse to recognize it when they do. Those that have been hit will tell that it's never to be forgotten. I would advise you to settle for nothing less. It doesn't always happen on the first meeting. It may even occur on the third or the fourth. But at some point the person next to you will say something, or display a part of themselves that will hit you like static electricity.

A professor of mine first met his wife of 40 years while working with resistance fighters in Nicaragua. They were both American's who had traveled down into South American and worked near each other for weeks but exchanged very few words. Eventually his stint ended and they parted. Years later they met again, this time in the midst of a busy newspaper office. He was handing in an article. She was receiving that article for a new edit. Their eyes met and they recognized each other. He laughed and told her that all this time, all those years ago he had thought that she was a nun not a writer. She told him she thought he was a communist. He had thought her fridged, she had thought him pompous. They smiled, they laughed, they clicked. After 40 years of marriage he still talks about her with a glow in his eye, like a schoolboy, like he's still just falling in love. And I, I loved to listen and watch as he batted the tip of his nose, rubbing it to emphasis his words, as if readjusting his face with a smile. I would sit and feel the glow radiate down from him until it landed on me. "So Love is real. True love isn't a myth." And there was my professor as proof.

What am I looking for in a relationship? I'm looking for someone I can release myself to. Who will love every part of me, just as I will love every part of them. Some people would say this requires a great deal of trust, that what they're looking for is a trusting relationship. But trust is not required if you know the person sitting across from you would never purposefully hurt you, or you them. This no longer becomes an issue of trust but simply of allowing, letting things to be what they are. You allow yourself to love, knowing that you are loved. You place everything down. Worry and fear does not exist. You relax. It feels similar to letting out a long breath of air until your lungs are empty, hollow. It's the space between being conscious and unconscious. It's the space just before sleep.

So what are the prerequisites? First and foremost you must feel yourself worthy of love. Truly no one can love you unless you love yourself, because you will never let them in. Whatever they say, whatever pronouncements they might make. Your heart will remain a closed door. Fear that they will find something unworthy within will keep it locked. Fear and distrust like a shield will hold them a hands breath away. They can love you from a distance. Struggle to get inside you. But what is the point if all their affection can only go skin deep? What is the point of a relationship if you never experience it at your core? Where is the fun and the joy? Loving yourself, trusting that even within your defaults there is beauty allows your door to open and other's to enter. This may still lead to pain and heartbreak. But what is pain compared to a life lived in fear?

As for sex, I have some warnings of my own. When it comes to the subject of physical union I am looking for someone who will enter me completely; someone who is not only looking for orgasm but is willing to stand at the edge of a cliff staring down into oblivion, which is where I am constantly standing. Physical union for me can be religious or obscene depending on the point of view. I have traveled distances and gone on journeys in the throws of sex. I have discovered pieces of myself I never knew existed or thought I had lost. After each journey I reemerge with something new. Sex for me implies self-analysis. And sometimes this self-analysis isn't pretty. Sex for me implies discovering not only the contours of another's body but another's soul. I take it seriously. I will stare at you. I will stare into you. Part of me is a body, but part of me is a mind. Most of me will be experiencing the moment, but part of me will be watching. Some people don't like this. They don't like the feeling of being x-rayed. Especially x-rayed during a moment of intimacy. No one likes feeling vulnerable, especially while they're naked. What they don't know is that I spend my life down here on the ground. I'm vulnerable 24 -7, in every form of the word. I lay in bed, walk around , and paint myself naked. I am vulnerable when I smile at people on the street. I am vulnerable when I speak, when I allow my ideas out into the world, or when I allow the world in. I am vulnerable because what you get is the purist sense of me. You are not experiencing the shell you are experiencing what's beneath. I am what I am. I came to terms with the fact years ago that I could live a half-life and be protected, or live a whole life and be open. I chose the latter, because there are not guarantees. I do believe in past lives, that I have been here before, that I will be here again, that each new breath and birth is a new lesson upon the ever expanding journey of our soul to find peace and a completeness. Yet this is the only life I have in this body, here with the people I love. This is the only experience I have for the moment and if it is to be lived it might as well be lived well, experienced to its fullest.

I enjoy discovering the pieces of my own skin. I enjoy those I loved enjoying my skin. There is nothing more exiting then seeing my own beauty reflected in the eyes of another, just as their beauty is being reflected in mine; knowing that they want me, truly want me as a body and as a soul just as I want them. Like a drowned man suffocating from lack of air. I will breath oxygen in through their lips, I will sustain them but they must sustain me. If you feel me staring from a distance like both a mother and a lover, discovering you as you discover me, have no fear. There is no judgment involved just a sense of discovery, I want to see you, I want to see every part of you. If I close my eyes it's because I want to feel you, I want to feel every part of you. I want to exist next to your body within darkness where only the primordial pieces of humanity live, where there is only heat, and breath, and smell, and sound, pain tied hand and foot to pleasure, blood and motion, life in all of its miniscule molecular beauty.

Don't get me wrong. I do not have sex with strangers or causal acquaintances. The number of women I have allowed to truly enter beyond a certain point could fit easily on one hand. When I am in love with someone I can imagine only their body. I cannot imagine becoming intimate with another body. They hold the key to all sexual expression and pleasure. Which is why I am so picky, because I know how complete this attachment is. If I can only imagine sex with a single individual once the relationship ends I can no longer imagine sex. If they hold the key, then they take it with them and there are only a few men in this world worthy of such power.

I enjoy the beauty of other bodies. I can't help it That is why my blog and website are full of pictuer of the human body. I will stare at old women and young women, . Everyone is beautiful if you stare at them long enough. The human body its self is a beautific creation, a landscape of contours and curves. When light hits it we glow. I have long known that I could fall in love with any body. You could be with someone slightly overweight and I would still love you, want to be with you. As long as what's inside you matched what's inside me. I would want to draw you, paint you. And if the world judged I would tell them to Damn themselves and go you Hell. I have loved and been attracted to women the world would consider unattractive. I have had relationships with women who would not fit the Playboy bill. I have yet to have a relationship with someone who does. Mostly because such women, like gorgeous men, have the notion of their own beauty engrained upon the back of their mind. They have been told by the world all their lives that they are beautiful and that this beauty will open many doors. They are not in the habit of really working for success, especially sexual success. They are used to men falling in love and becoming obsessed with them with very little effort. They are not and have never been attractive to me.

That said, I have had sex in public in the presence of strangers. I can be a public exhibitionist. I enjoy the feeling of fresh air against my skin, that danger of the moment. I enjoy hearing a kinky word in my ear. I enjoy creating and fulfilling sexual fantasies.

When I am in love I feel like both a father and a child to my partner. I want to nurture and nourish them like a father. I will plan what soup to have for dinner, and get on their case if they haven't exercised in a week. But in exchange I will also need help and advise in my endeavors. I will need them to want to see me not only succeed but shine, just as I want to see them succeed and shine. This is a joint process. Relationships must be about holding each other up, not letting each other down.

I enjoy the act of creation, I enjoy creating new worlds through words and touching people with my voice who are continents or time spans away, who I may never meet. I see humanity as a giant network, and ever expanding web. Strike one note upon that web and everyone can feel the vibrations. Strike two and your voice resonates. Sound never really dies it grows, like a ripple of water or the echo from the Big Bang that is still moving, spreading, stretching outward from the point of original rupture. Our thoughts can be like that echo, ever expanding, ever spreading. Eons later they may still be trickling down to the grandchildren of our grandchildren. Thoughts and words are this to me. Writing is an act of creation, the striking of a note upon humanities web that will live centuries after I have long died and been buried in the ground. It is my call to immortality, the hope chest upon which I have stacked my existence. If you wish to know me, know that I will always, must always write. Know that I will need your support in this endeavor, just as you will need my support in your endeavors. Relationships must be about holding each other up. I will never let you down.

I am a strong believer in destiny - that life has laid down a path to be followed, and everything happens for a reason. But we can't always see this reason, sometimes it needs to be uncovered, or simply by accident discovered. Sometimes only in hindsight do we see that what at first appeared to be a disaster or mistake was in fact a gift. Only in hindsight do we see that the pain we went through was required for growth. Like a ceramic pot being tempered and made stronger by flame, pieces of us were burnt away or condensed. We became more purely what we are at heart once all the wrapping and distractions were taken away.

In this body, this incarnation of our soul, we only have one life to live, so why waist it? Why waist it stumbling blindly from partner to partner, racking up mistakes, and lessons, while hoping beyond hope that "the one" will blindly bump into us, and that we will recognize them when they do. Love and a single partner should be another part of life (like the foundation of a house) that will support and allow us to move onward and upward, to achieve even greater heights. Like sex I take the union of marriage seriously. Once joined I will remain loyal to the end. Whoever I marry will have to push me away and then explain why they left. Forever for me does mean old and gray. It means that I will physically and mentally join with them and abstain from all others. It means that they will physically and mentally join with me and abstain from all others. The human body and mind is versatile and our imaginations are limitless. If something is missing or needs to be refreshed it should be worked on or created. If it can be imagined it can be created.

I am speak of love. I am speak of love between two humans. I am speak of releasing and abandoning ourselves to love. True love however goes beyond two bodies. True love spreads and expands into the very air. True love opens our eyes to the beauty of the world, a beauty that saturates everything, a beauty that has and will always be there. There is beauty in mud and mud puddles, in bugs and plants. It can even be found in a pile of trash abandoned on the street because each object was once held and created by someone; and a piece of them, a piece of their memory still lingers. Whatever it may look like now if you go back to the moment it was held you can recognize its beauty or the beauty of the person in whose hand it rested. True love from another person allows you to see the love of others, even strangers that was flooding in all along.

True love begins at the core and spreads outwards. True love begins first with recognizing your own beauty and then the beauty of others. True love is finding a way to express this beauty. True love is finding a way to help others express their beauty. True love is realizing that everyone at heart is beautiful, but so many have forgotten and become lost. In fear and anger they may hurt others because they do not feel loved and cannot recognize their own beauty. My dream of love is of holding many people up. Helping the old landlady beneath this floor find peace. Becoming a substitute grandchild for the child she never had. Proving to my mother that she is far more beautiful than she could ever imagine. Whatever they're missing will not be found down some alley by humiliating a man. Even they can be included within the beautific power of recognizing the beauty in others, if they only at first could recognize it within themselves. True love requires pulling even those who may harm you into the safety raft. Why? Because every life is precious, everything happens for a reason, every action can be redeemed. You may not see the purpose now but it will come later. Those you save may save others in the future.

This might sound religious but its not. This belief is not connected to any religion but instead is simply spiritual, connected to personal experience and the personal experiences of those I love. As I said earlier I am looking for someone to release myself into. I have been on a long journey to come to terms with who I am and along the way have found similar pieces of this being buried within others. The longer the journey the more people are discovered, the more wondrous it seems that they weren't recognizable all along. Now I am looking in your direction and have caught a glimpse of you. The gaze feels familiar but the face is still a blur. Now I am coming closer. Now I am approaching. Now I am five feet away.

Ever placed your head upon a chest and listen, just listened, felt as if somehow you could reach down beneath their skin placed you hand upon the pulse of their heart and allowed your two beats, theirs and yours to meet? There are moments of silence. There are moments when there isn't a word you could say that I haven't thought, or a thought that I could voice that you haven't felt. And so we sit in these shared moments simply absorbing sound, unspoken vibrations wafting their way through the room until they reach me, until they reach you.


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MY AFFIRMATION:"This is a magnificent universe. The universe is bring all good things to me. The universe is conspiring for me in all things. The universe is supporting me in everything I do. The universe meets all my needs immediately."



MY MISSION STATEMENT: I want to be married to a beautiful compassion, intelligent woman. Living in a beautiful home with children. Having enough money to be worried free. I am deeply worthy of being well loved and I deserve to be well loved. I am able to handle anything that comes my way. Security is not in having things, but in handling things. I am enough. I love myself. I am very lucky. The love I seek is the love that is in within myself. I am living in the place where I belong with people I love and doing the right work on purpose. Thank you God for all my blessing.



Gratitude: I am grateful for my health. I am grateful for my family. I a grateful for my love. I am grateful for my job. I am grateful that I am living in New York City. I am grateful for my car and my apartment. I am truly bless

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